I was discussing the aforementioned Snake Plissken Memorial Playground with a colleague last week, wondering if other Army units erected memorials to fictional soldiers all over the former Yugoslavia. We laughed at the idea of a John Matrix Memorial Playground somewhere, or a statue of John Rambo somewhere, and one thing led to another, and I wondered, if we had to assemble a team of America’s greatest soldiers, who’d be on it? What if Kim Jong-il, Hugo Chavez, and that homeless guy running Iran got together for a conference on bringing down America, with Osama bin Laden has the keynote speaker, in the middle of Tehran. Who would we send to take them all out? (Short of going nuclear.)

So I laid out some ground rules for myself. First, we’ll limit the size of the team to twelve, plus one commanding officer, just like the Dirty Dozen. (Yes, I know Sgt. Bowren went on the mission too, but I have no idea why. For security? One sergeant against a dozen heavily-armed convicts with nothing to lose? Did he volunteer? For a suicide mission? He didn’t even train with the rest of the team.) Here are some other rules:

- Only live-action movie or TV characters only. Literary, cartoon, comic book or video game characters can only be included if they made it onto a live action movie and only their military service mentioned or shown in that particular movie or show can be considered. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Sgt. Major Avery Johnson, any member of G.I. Joe.

- Characters who are otherwise identical and portrayed by the same actor will be counted as one character.

- Characters must be regular humans, with no mutant, superhuman, or supernatural powers. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Master Chief John-117, Captain America, Nick Fury, Sgt. Andrew Scott, Pvt. Luc Devereaux.

- Each person must have served with a branch of the armed forces of the United States, or its logical successor states. Potential members disqualified by this rule: CDR James Bond, Col. Richard Sharpe, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas.

- Fictional characters only. It’d simply be unfair to open this up to real American heroes, portrayed in movies or not. A real person killing hundreds of Germans trumps a fictional character killing hundreds of Germans any day. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Audie Murphy, Alvin York.

And here’s the list:

- Major John Reisman (Lee Marvin, the Dirty Dozen.) Somebody has to lead the bunch, and why not the man the man that lead the original Dirty Dozen?

- Colonel John Matrix/Major Dutch Shaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando/Predator) Matrix and Shaefer were basically the same character. If they really wanted to, they could’ve written Predator to be a prequel of Commando.

- John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo series) A shell-shocked Vietnam vet who tears through a small town because of police brutality who later single handedly wins the Vietnam War and then later helps the Taliban…umm, did we mention him single handedly winning the Vietnam War?

- Colonel James Braddock/Major Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris, Missing in Action series/Delta Force series.) Basically, Chuck Norris with a machine gun. And who wouldn’t want that on their team?

- Lt. Robert “Snake” Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape from NY/LA.) A hero of World War III against the Soviets, later rescues the president from NY.

- Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland, 24 series.) Former Delta Force operator, later saves the world on several occasions.

- Frank Castle, aka, the Punisher (Thomas Jane, the Punisher.) Note, the Dolph Lundgren Frank Castle is not here, because in that movie, he was a cop. Delta Force veteran turned vigilante.

- Chief Petty Office Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege series.) Former Navy SEAL busted down to cook for striking an officer. Later saves the world twice.

- Master Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Beckett (Tom Berenger, Sniper.) The team needs a sniper, and he was the best of the candidates. (see below)

- Sergeant John M. Stryker (John Wayne, Sands of Iwo Jima.) NCOs hold the military together, and you won’t find one better than Sgt. Stryker.

- 2^nd Lieutenant James T. Wladislaw (Charles Bronson, the Dirty Dozen) Helped killed a whole chateau of German officers, along with their wives, mistresses, and one night stands. Survived to tell about it too, which is something only two other men can claim, one of which is already on the list.

- Private Jenette Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens.) Can you name one woman you’re more scared of? Of all the women in the world, wouldn’t you rather have her covering your ass over all others?

- Kyle Reese/Corporal Dwayne Hicks (Michael Biehn, the Terminator/Aliens.) The man/men took on terminators and xenomorphs, and at least lived to tell about the xenomorphs.

Who didn’t make it?

- Any member of the A-Team. Let’s face it, none of these guys can shoot.

- Nathaniel “Hawkeye” Poe (Daniel Day Lewis, Last of the Mohicans.) There were questions as to whether or not he was a member of the colonial militia, which would've made him qualify for the list.

- Sgt. Blain Cooper (Jesse Ventura, Predator.) When it comes to heavy machine guns, Vasquez was just that more effective than Blain. Blain got killed while holding his loaded minigun. Vasquez was only armed with a pistol when she finally killed herself.

- Robert T. Jefferson (Jim Brown, the Dirty Dozen.) The only other member of the Dirty Dozen who could’ve sniffed this list, it came down to a numbers game, and the fact that Wladislaw made it, and he didn’t. A close one otherwise.

- Ding Chavez and John Clark (Raymond Cruz and Willem Defoe, Clear and Present Danger.) As snipers go, I thought Thomas Beckett was better. And Clark wasn’t nearly as awesome in the movie as he was in the books. Remember, only the movies count. So until Without Remorse makes it to the big screen, Clark is out.

- Captain Benjamin Willard (Martin Sheen, Apocalypse Now.) He mopes about through half the movie, and does it really take that much to beat a bloated Marlon Brando to death? The comparison to killing a water buffalo was spot on.

Have I missed anyone? Objections? Suggestions? Let me know.